THEME: TAKING A LEAP
All
growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit
of experience. ~ Henry Miller
I
get temporarily popular every time a celebrity overdoses, suicides, or runs
into some sort of ditch. Given my therapy background, people want to hear my
attempt to explain such behavior. With Whitney Houston’s death, the question
seems to be a three-parter: Why couldn’t she 1) kick that Bobby Brown aside, 2)
get clean and sober and stay that way, and 3) get back to singing like she was
supposed to?
There
is an angry question lurking just below: How could she have a gift like that
voice and squander it?
As I
sit here I contend with dueling earworms. With Whitney singing, “I will always love
you…” and Adele belting, “We could have had it all…” it’s hard to think. But
I’ll take a crack at it.
I
will stipulate that the behavior of an addict is incomprehensible to the normal
bystander. Broken promises, lies, financial ruin, lost jobs, fractured
relationships, and all the rest render the addict irresponsible, weak,
pathetic, and stupid in the eyes of others. Their behavior looks and feels
intentional.
The
people who care about them eventually need to take a step back to save their
own sanity. Into that space, especially with celebrities, others who don’t actually
care about them step in ready to take part. Plus, anyone in the vicinity who
shares their affliction helps to keep it going. It is a powerful system bent on
its own continuation, and might help explain Bobby Brown’s continued presence
in Whitney’s life. Whoever sent him away from the memorial service at least
made a point.
But
how does the addiction take a death grip on an otherwise capable, even
exceptional, person like Whitney?
I
have a laundry list of explanations in my head, cobbled together from years of observing
and theorizing. Pick your favorites.
*One
theory says that all the addict wants to do is chase the exquisite pleasure of his
or her first time. Maybe, research suggests, the pleasure that an addict gets
from using his substance is on a whole different level than most people would
experience. The problem is that the pleasure is never to be found again.
*Addicts
describe their disordered thinking as if they are constantly spinning, which only
allows them to encounter reality occasionally on a brief fly-by.
*Some
describe finding that the first time they ever felt normal was during their
first use. Later, many can feel normal only while under the influence. Worse, as
they become physically addicted, to not use becomes painful due to withdrawal
symptoms. It is no longer a matter of pleasure, but pain.
*Once
life becomes too painful to face, drugs and alcohol provide escape. Pain can
originate with losses, or failed expectations, or runaway expectations, or the
depressive effects of the chemicals, or a hundred other sources. Once an addict
finds his way to oblivion, it becomes a regular destination.
*Addiction
is a disease that takes charge over the body, mind, and spirit. It makes the
decisions, dictates the feelings, and drives the behavior. The individual is no longer a person with free
will, but more like a host to an aggressive parasite.
*What
goes on is an expression of cellular changes, the interaction between brain
chemicals and receptors, that expresses itself in egregious behavior.
*Outside
influences of people, places and things can start things up, keep the process
going, or encourage relapse. Bobby Brown and the music industry come to mind.
*The
individual hasn’t done enough “research” yet to become convinced that the
problem is unmanageable and that therefore entering recovery is necessary.
Denial slips into and out of place. The lucky ones hit bottom in time.
*Finally,
it is indisputable that the addict misses a lot, being under the influence and
possibly in a blackout for many crucial experiences. What they can’t remember
is not part of their experience, and therefore does not motivate them toward
change.
Those
ideas and theories form a mudball of cause and effect. They may all be true, or
not. They certainly make clear that there is no one simple answer.
If
it’s hard for me to understand, it’s even more incomprehensible to the addict.
And no one is more disappointed in the addict than he or she is. They wish for
normalcy. But achieving it in the face of addiction is a big order. It requires
large doses of knowledge, support, and hope. The longer the track record of
failure, the less accessible those become.
Meanwhile,
the addiction offers its own gifts: immediate pain relief, oblivion, escape.
Whether the addiction seeks to chase the sublime or escape the intolerable, it’s
an ironic struggle. While the body and mind duke it out in a private battle, it
cannot be won without outside help, practical or spiritual, or both. How to
make that happen remains a mystery for many.
Maybe
we should confine ourselves to other question: Do we have gifts we are
squandering? At least we can do something about that.
CBH 02/11
